wHAT ARE WE TO DO?

Reading a book called "Just Courage". Chuck read a quote from it in church a couple weeks back. I had to put it down - it is scaring me a little bit. This guy is writing my thoughts and questions
VERBATIM. He talks about "divine restlessness" - a "voice of sacred discontent" - "the voice of a holy yearning for more". "This is the supernatural moment when the rescued enter into their divine destiny as rescuers. This is the critical transition - when we who have been rescued by Christ come to understand that our rescue has not been simply for ourselves but for an even more exalted purpose. Indeed our own rescue is God's plan for rescuing the world that He loves."

He goes on..... "We're really uncomfortable about where the adventure might lead. While nodding affirmations in Jesus' direction as he beckons, we cannot get our feet to actually move. "..........."How do I actually live with bravery, love and significance....... we have all had moments and glimpses of our own courage........ how can we live like that so consistently that it becomes who we actually are?

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..... and his next line - and mine as well........."WHAT ARE WE TO DO???????"

H

tomorrow is 3 weeks...

So, I spent quite a while doing a post tonight and then.. "poof" - it disappeared - kinda how my night has been. Well, in a nutshell, this is what I said, I thought I was doing great emotionally..... I thought I was "over" having my moods be dictated or affected by other people and how they treat me or what they think of me. Well, I was wrong... so tonight is sort of crappy.

Today I did lots of things that needed to be done... and that was good. I also saw lots of people I have been wanting to see - and that was great. But I also realized today that I may actually be able to go back to "Normal" (whatever that is) after all. And I don't like that. I don't ever want to be "normal" again. I have been sooooo extremely tired for the past 10 days - I think it's just the emotion of it all - and sometimes, it's easier to just "go back to normal - go with the flow" - well, nope. not accepting it.

Excited that Leah and I get to share part of our trip with our church on Sunday. Not excited that I need to somehow convey all the wonderful lessons God taught me - in 2-3 sentences.... WHAT????? I can't do that in 2-3 pages. Feeling lots of anxiety about that - it's what I have thought about and prayed about since I was in Kenya, "Lord, how do I go back and tell people what I have seen, felt, heard.... in a way that they will hear it and be moved into action???". I know God is faithful.... so, I will go to bed early tonight and I will get up early and I will pray for God to give me HIS words......

My heart is longing for Kenya - for the hard life that is so incredibly simple and so fulfilling.....

big sigh....

waiting

as you know, wasn't able to post during the entire trip which was disappointing .... but probably a good thing in the long run. Today marks the two week mark since I returned home. It has been a roller coaster - name an emotion... I have felt it.... at least once. I will "cut and paste" some of my reflections from when I first returned. What I have been feeling the last 48 hours is sadness.... I know this is where God wants me to be - for now - but I feel as if part of my body, mind, soul..... are in Kenya....I don't quite know what to do with all of it. I am so happy about the money donated for the land on the hill..... but my heart continually breaks for baby Esther and I find myself thinking of her and praying for her throughout the day and night. I was encouraged for a few days and told myself, "see, there are things you can do from here" - but that is just not cutting it for me the last two days.... so, what to do now? wait. listen - to God and to others. tell the stories. wait. listen. and wait some more......

i made it!

SOOO VERY TIRED TODAY. HAD HOPED FOR THE SNOW SO I COULD SPEND THIS LAST TIME AT HOME WITH KIDDOS BUT IT WAS NOT TO BE. I WENT TO MY PRACTICUM SITE AND WORKED WITH SOME OF THOSE KIDDOS. PICKED JAKE UP IN "CAR LINE" AND WE MET RUSS FOR LUNCH - HAVEN'T HAD THE CHANCE TO DO THAT IN A WHILE SO THAT WAS NICE. NOW JAKE IS TAKING A NAP - I WISH I WAS ASLEEP WITH HIM!! FINISHING UP SOME SCHOOL WORK - DON'T WANT TO GO TO ASHEVILLE TONIGHT - WANT TO BE WITH MY FAMILY.

I'M READY TO GO - I THINK THE KIDS WILL SETTLE IN FINE ONCE THEY SEE MY PLANE LEAVE - THEY ARE PRETTY WORN OUT WITH THE ANTICIPATION RIGHT NOW.

I HAVE BEEN SO OVERWHELMED WITH PEOPLE'S KINDNESS - OFFER OF HELP FOR THE KIDS AND RUSS WHILE I AM AWAY - ALL THE PRAYERS - I FEEL THEM! AND ALL THE DONATIONS FOR LEAH AND I TO USE FOR NEEDS WE FIND WHEN WE ARRIVE.

I CAN ONLY IMAGINE WHAT IT WILL BE LIKE - I PRAY THAT GOD WILL GIVE ME STRENGTH - PHYSICALLY, MENTALLY, EMOTIONALLY, AND SPIRITUALLY. THIS IS GOING TO BE HARD. I KNOW IT IS A HUGE TRUST ASSIGNMENT FOR ME - I HAVE GROWN SO VERY MUCH IN MY TRUST IN GOD AND HIS PLANS - BUT I HAVE A LOT OF ROOM FOR GROWTH IN THIS AREA.....

PLAYING THE WAITING GAME WITH THE WEATHER RIGHT NOW - WE ARE SUPPOSED TO GET SNOW TONIGHT SO THERE IS A SLIGHT POSSIBILITY WE WILL DRIVE TO CHARLOTTE TONIGHT.....

HOPEFULLY WE CAN UPDATE THIS ALONG THE PLANE RIDES - 1ST PLANE LEAVES CHARLOTTE AT 12:30 TOMORROW AFTERNOON - THEN FROM DETROIT AT 5???? WE WILL BE IN AMSTERDAM FRIDAY MORNING - NAIROBI FRIDAY NIGHT. SHOULD BE IN NAKURU BY FRIDAY AFTERNOON....

IF YOU ARE READING THIS.... PLEASE LEAVE A COMMENT - JUST LET US KNOW WHAT YOU THINK....

Finished up my last day at the CEC - sad to leave those people behind but ready for a few days to focus on my family and tying up loose ends before I leave.

We had a pizza party for the "M&M" kids at church (Missions and ME) - they had bake sales to raise money for uniforms for the kids in Nakuru - we were able to buy 30 uniforms with they money they raised. They also collected small toys for Leah and I to take - we have a humongous suitcase full!! It was so refreshing and it's so encouraging for me to see young children care about others - especially others they have never/'and probably will never meet.

Caleb's teacher let him show his class on the "smartboard" where I will be going - this seemed to be a special thing for him. His teacher (Mrs. Thompson) has been such an amazing blessing to us this year. I know she will make the two weeks I am away easier.

I'm ready to go - just not ready to get on the plane:( having lots of anxiety about that part - pray for me please...

countdown...

So, gonna try to get fancy with this blog now! I'll start with the color and font and see what happens! I spent part of my evening with my two boys - we made a calendar for Jake so he can get this whole trip in perspective. We marked off the days that are already gone in the month and then marked the day I leave and the day I come back. He has some stickers that he will use to mark off the days while I am gone. Caleb picked out some stickers he think will be good like, "you can do it" - how cool to see him being encouraging to his little brother in this way when I know he is experiencing his own anxieties. Caleb and I spent time last week doing a cool map - we drew lines to mark my flight path and wrote down specific details/times so he can "track" me.

Wow... what a ride my life has been here lately - can't believe in two days I will be done with my 3-month stint as Interim Director of Long's Chapel Child Enrichment Center and just four days later..... off to Africa I go. WOW!! I stand in awe of all the exciting, scary, fascinating, puzzling, difficult, humorous, frustrating, tearful, and enlightening ways God is working in my life.

Heart overflowing with love and gratitude for all the blessings in my life - my children - ALL children, my husband, my co-workers at the CEC, my fantastic site supervisor at my Practicum.......