wHAT ARE WE TO DO?

Reading a book called "Just Courage". Chuck read a quote from it in church a couple weeks back. I had to put it down - it is scaring me a little bit. This guy is writing my thoughts and questions
VERBATIM. He talks about "divine restlessness" - a "voice of sacred discontent" - "the voice of a holy yearning for more". "This is the supernatural moment when the rescued enter into their divine destiny as rescuers. This is the critical transition - when we who have been rescued by Christ come to understand that our rescue has not been simply for ourselves but for an even more exalted purpose. Indeed our own rescue is God's plan for rescuing the world that He loves."

He goes on..... "We're really uncomfortable about where the adventure might lead. While nodding affirmations in Jesus' direction as he beckons, we cannot get our feet to actually move. "..........."How do I actually live with bravery, love and significance....... we have all had moments and glimpses of our own courage........ how can we live like that so consistently that it becomes who we actually are?

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..... and his next line - and mine as well........."WHAT ARE WE TO DO???????"

H

tomorrow is 3 weeks...

So, I spent quite a while doing a post tonight and then.. "poof" - it disappeared - kinda how my night has been. Well, in a nutshell, this is what I said, I thought I was doing great emotionally..... I thought I was "over" having my moods be dictated or affected by other people and how they treat me or what they think of me. Well, I was wrong... so tonight is sort of crappy.

Today I did lots of things that needed to be done... and that was good. I also saw lots of people I have been wanting to see - and that was great. But I also realized today that I may actually be able to go back to "Normal" (whatever that is) after all. And I don't like that. I don't ever want to be "normal" again. I have been sooooo extremely tired for the past 10 days - I think it's just the emotion of it all - and sometimes, it's easier to just "go back to normal - go with the flow" - well, nope. not accepting it.

Excited that Leah and I get to share part of our trip with our church on Sunday. Not excited that I need to somehow convey all the wonderful lessons God taught me - in 2-3 sentences.... WHAT????? I can't do that in 2-3 pages. Feeling lots of anxiety about that - it's what I have thought about and prayed about since I was in Kenya, "Lord, how do I go back and tell people what I have seen, felt, heard.... in a way that they will hear it and be moved into action???". I know God is faithful.... so, I will go to bed early tonight and I will get up early and I will pray for God to give me HIS words......

My heart is longing for Kenya - for the hard life that is so incredibly simple and so fulfilling.....

big sigh....

waiting

as you know, wasn't able to post during the entire trip which was disappointing .... but probably a good thing in the long run. Today marks the two week mark since I returned home. It has been a roller coaster - name an emotion... I have felt it.... at least once. I will "cut and paste" some of my reflections from when I first returned. What I have been feeling the last 48 hours is sadness.... I know this is where God wants me to be - for now - but I feel as if part of my body, mind, soul..... are in Kenya....I don't quite know what to do with all of it. I am so happy about the money donated for the land on the hill..... but my heart continually breaks for baby Esther and I find myself thinking of her and praying for her throughout the day and night. I was encouraged for a few days and told myself, "see, there are things you can do from here" - but that is just not cutting it for me the last two days.... so, what to do now? wait. listen - to God and to others. tell the stories. wait. listen. and wait some more......

i made it!

SOOO VERY TIRED TODAY. HAD HOPED FOR THE SNOW SO I COULD SPEND THIS LAST TIME AT HOME WITH KIDDOS BUT IT WAS NOT TO BE. I WENT TO MY PRACTICUM SITE AND WORKED WITH SOME OF THOSE KIDDOS. PICKED JAKE UP IN "CAR LINE" AND WE MET RUSS FOR LUNCH - HAVEN'T HAD THE CHANCE TO DO THAT IN A WHILE SO THAT WAS NICE. NOW JAKE IS TAKING A NAP - I WISH I WAS ASLEEP WITH HIM!! FINISHING UP SOME SCHOOL WORK - DON'T WANT TO GO TO ASHEVILLE TONIGHT - WANT TO BE WITH MY FAMILY.

I'M READY TO GO - I THINK THE KIDS WILL SETTLE IN FINE ONCE THEY SEE MY PLANE LEAVE - THEY ARE PRETTY WORN OUT WITH THE ANTICIPATION RIGHT NOW.

I HAVE BEEN SO OVERWHELMED WITH PEOPLE'S KINDNESS - OFFER OF HELP FOR THE KIDS AND RUSS WHILE I AM AWAY - ALL THE PRAYERS - I FEEL THEM! AND ALL THE DONATIONS FOR LEAH AND I TO USE FOR NEEDS WE FIND WHEN WE ARRIVE.

I CAN ONLY IMAGINE WHAT IT WILL BE LIKE - I PRAY THAT GOD WILL GIVE ME STRENGTH - PHYSICALLY, MENTALLY, EMOTIONALLY, AND SPIRITUALLY. THIS IS GOING TO BE HARD. I KNOW IT IS A HUGE TRUST ASSIGNMENT FOR ME - I HAVE GROWN SO VERY MUCH IN MY TRUST IN GOD AND HIS PLANS - BUT I HAVE A LOT OF ROOM FOR GROWTH IN THIS AREA.....

PLAYING THE WAITING GAME WITH THE WEATHER RIGHT NOW - WE ARE SUPPOSED TO GET SNOW TONIGHT SO THERE IS A SLIGHT POSSIBILITY WE WILL DRIVE TO CHARLOTTE TONIGHT.....

HOPEFULLY WE CAN UPDATE THIS ALONG THE PLANE RIDES - 1ST PLANE LEAVES CHARLOTTE AT 12:30 TOMORROW AFTERNOON - THEN FROM DETROIT AT 5???? WE WILL BE IN AMSTERDAM FRIDAY MORNING - NAIROBI FRIDAY NIGHT. SHOULD BE IN NAKURU BY FRIDAY AFTERNOON....

IF YOU ARE READING THIS.... PLEASE LEAVE A COMMENT - JUST LET US KNOW WHAT YOU THINK....

Finished up my last day at the CEC - sad to leave those people behind but ready for a few days to focus on my family and tying up loose ends before I leave.

We had a pizza party for the "M&M" kids at church (Missions and ME) - they had bake sales to raise money for uniforms for the kids in Nakuru - we were able to buy 30 uniforms with they money they raised. They also collected small toys for Leah and I to take - we have a humongous suitcase full!! It was so refreshing and it's so encouraging for me to see young children care about others - especially others they have never/'and probably will never meet.

Caleb's teacher let him show his class on the "smartboard" where I will be going - this seemed to be a special thing for him. His teacher (Mrs. Thompson) has been such an amazing blessing to us this year. I know she will make the two weeks I am away easier.

I'm ready to go - just not ready to get on the plane:( having lots of anxiety about that part - pray for me please...

countdown...

So, gonna try to get fancy with this blog now! I'll start with the color and font and see what happens! I spent part of my evening with my two boys - we made a calendar for Jake so he can get this whole trip in perspective. We marked off the days that are already gone in the month and then marked the day I leave and the day I come back. He has some stickers that he will use to mark off the days while I am gone. Caleb picked out some stickers he think will be good like, "you can do it" - how cool to see him being encouraging to his little brother in this way when I know he is experiencing his own anxieties. Caleb and I spent time last week doing a cool map - we drew lines to mark my flight path and wrote down specific details/times so he can "track" me.

Wow... what a ride my life has been here lately - can't believe in two days I will be done with my 3-month stint as Interim Director of Long's Chapel Child Enrichment Center and just four days later..... off to Africa I go. WOW!! I stand in awe of all the exciting, scary, fascinating, puzzling, difficult, humorous, frustrating, tearful, and enlightening ways God is working in my life.

Heart overflowing with love and gratitude for all the blessings in my life - my children - ALL children, my husband, my co-workers at the CEC, my fantastic site supervisor at my Practicum.......

snow!!

That's right - and LOTs of it - it started snowing around 3 and has not stopped - I just measured 9 1/2 inches on the back porch and it's supposed to snow all night and all day tomorrow!! Sooooo glad today is Friday - I had my doubts about surviving this week - it was a doozy. But, we made it - Russ has been to Ohio and back and all over the 7 western counties as well. I have had class two nights, practicum one day, work at the daycare... annnnnd a nasty case of pink eye. Not to mention the 4 kiddos and their various projects and activities. Today is mine and Russ' anniversary - we had planned dinner and a movie tomorrow but looks as if it will be ..... well, still dinner and a movie but probably ramen noodles and a disney movie with the kids here at home!

So much to be thankful for - so much to look forward to -

Been listening to the music CD Diane made for us - there is one song in particular that I listen to over and over - one of the verses is:
"we must go - we have to feed the hungry, stand before the broken - we must go - ...... keep us from just singing... move us into action.... we must go"

..... I must go

So, this journey (and I have always hated that word..... but it's the most appropriate for this venture in my life) is a roller coaster. I see that in my last entry I was at peace. It is amazing the things/situations that have been thrown at Russ and I in the past week. I'm not big on talking about the "devil" - however, my life experience has taught me that the more I am in God's word and pursuing God's will... the more the "d" tries to get me. Well guess what?? "Back off sucker"!!!!! Yes, I am exhausted - in every possible way - yes, my plans for how the last two weeks before I leave have been completely thrown off.... but..... God is with me and He is bigger than all these situations and things.... Leah told me yesterday that Chuck shared a quote with her that she is finding helpful in these countdown days.... it was something about "don't let the darkness take away what was clear to you in the light". So, yes, I am in darkness in many ways right now - but I know what I was confident of in the light.

Ephesians chapter 4 and 5 spoke to my heart a couple of weeks ago and just now when I opened my Bible..... there it is "living as children of light" 5:8 "For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light".

5:15 "Be very careful then, how you live - not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore, do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is."

The Lord's will for me is to go to Nakuru, Kenya in less than two weeks..... keep me and my family in your prayers...

yawwwwnnnnn!!!

So, those shots have had some interesting side efffects. I was fine until about 7 last night and then I got soooooo sleepy could hardly keep my eyes open or move. Finally had to move from my couch to the bed b/c my head hurt sooooo badly. I went to bed at 9:30 and didn't move until 8:30 this morning when Brittney came running in the room yelling "you didn't get up and I'm late for school"!. I heard her.... but I could not open my eyes or move!! I felt like I was under anesthesia. About 20 minutes later I got out of bed and found my limbs to be very uncooperative!!! They felt like they were made of lead!!! I made it through the day at work .... somehow!! Was sooooo sleepy and now I'm pretty sore.

Had lunch with my friend Allison today and that was great. She's such a solid friend. She and her daughter, Heather, are going to take the girls one night when I am gone and have a "girl's night" at her house and do manicures and pedicures. The girls will love that and I'm sure the boys will too!!!

Finishing up the details of the will with the attorney - we'll sign it next week -

Tomorrow will be my first full day at my practicum for grad school - it's feeling a little strange to be going to work at the daycare and then going to a school and to classes and getting ready for this trip. It all felt really out of control last week but now, it's good. Everything is falling into place and I am feeling completely at peace about all of it. It's great - God is so good and I am more and more aware of that every single day.

well, it's been over a week since I posted here and I am in a much different (better) place. Things are coming together. Leah and I packed our suitcase Sunday and discussed all the last minute details and went over our lists. I got all my shots today (five of 'um!!) and now have my official yellow immunization card! I am feeling very excited!!!!!!! Can't believe it's three weeks from today that we get on that plane. Praying continually for my children and their emotional health leading up to when I leave and while I am gone. We have discusssed all the details and I will be making a calendar for Jake that he can put stickers on and mark down the days until I return. I am ready and basically waiting...... can't wait to see how God will use us and what I will learn. I am so in awe of the fact that this is happening....

Trying to breathe...

So, today has been a day filled with frustration and irritability. I think as the day approaches to actually get on that plane... leaving my 4 kids and husband behind.... and go to a place that I know is going to rip my heart to pieces.... I am struggling. At times I question the sanity of my decision... but I know that is not from God. God asked me to do this and I am obeying. That's all I know. The minute details of preparing for the trip (shots, packing, communication while away) as well as preparing for my family while I am away (meals, kid care, etc..) are overwhelming me. I am praying continually for God's peace and provision. He has always provided for my every need - I know He won't stop now. I have found myself cleaning out drawers and organizing things. I do believe I will come back.... but what if I don't? I want to be responsible. Russ and I will be doing our will next week because it's the responsible thing to do and it should have been done five years ago!!

I think I just have to get past all the reality stuff and again... it won't be real until my feet are planted firmly on Kenyan ground..... My heart is so restless ..... and also about to burst with anticipation for the things God is going to show and teach me....

So, here I go...

I'm not sure about all this blogging stuff but thought I would give it a try. I want to keep track of some thougts as I prepare for Kenya and also want a simple way to keep people updated before, during, and after.

Getting excited and nervous. Going to get all the necessary immunizations in the next week or so. Already started packing a little - have my safari hat, waist pack, water bottle, passport, and a couple skirts. Gonna travel light - Leah and I will share a suitcase so we can use our other suitcase for shoes and toys for the kids.

This won't be real until I am standing on the dirt in Nakuru..... praying constantly for God's peace and wisdom - just to prepare my heart for what I see and feel and for what His will/His work is for me in all of this.... It has been and will continue to be an incredibly humbling experience....

I appreciate and covet your prayers and will keep you posted,