tomorrow is 3 weeks...

So, I spent quite a while doing a post tonight and then.. "poof" - it disappeared - kinda how my night has been. Well, in a nutshell, this is what I said, I thought I was doing great emotionally..... I thought I was "over" having my moods be dictated or affected by other people and how they treat me or what they think of me. Well, I was wrong... so tonight is sort of crappy.

Today I did lots of things that needed to be done... and that was good. I also saw lots of people I have been wanting to see - and that was great. But I also realized today that I may actually be able to go back to "Normal" (whatever that is) after all. And I don't like that. I don't ever want to be "normal" again. I have been sooooo extremely tired for the past 10 days - I think it's just the emotion of it all - and sometimes, it's easier to just "go back to normal - go with the flow" - well, nope. not accepting it.

Excited that Leah and I get to share part of our trip with our church on Sunday. Not excited that I need to somehow convey all the wonderful lessons God taught me - in 2-3 sentences.... WHAT????? I can't do that in 2-3 pages. Feeling lots of anxiety about that - it's what I have thought about and prayed about since I was in Kenya, "Lord, how do I go back and tell people what I have seen, felt, heard.... in a way that they will hear it and be moved into action???". I know God is faithful.... so, I will go to bed early tonight and I will get up early and I will pray for God to give me HIS words......

My heart is longing for Kenya - for the hard life that is so incredibly simple and so fulfilling.....

big sigh....

waiting

as you know, wasn't able to post during the entire trip which was disappointing .... but probably a good thing in the long run. Today marks the two week mark since I returned home. It has been a roller coaster - name an emotion... I have felt it.... at least once. I will "cut and paste" some of my reflections from when I first returned. What I have been feeling the last 48 hours is sadness.... I know this is where God wants me to be - for now - but I feel as if part of my body, mind, soul..... are in Kenya....I don't quite know what to do with all of it. I am so happy about the money donated for the land on the hill..... but my heart continually breaks for baby Esther and I find myself thinking of her and praying for her throughout the day and night. I was encouraged for a few days and told myself, "see, there are things you can do from here" - but that is just not cutting it for me the last two days.... so, what to do now? wait. listen - to God and to others. tell the stories. wait. listen. and wait some more......